Recently, I was working in the field with a student who said, “Trust is lost in bucketsful and gained back in teaspoons.” This can be an apt metaphor for how our students have lost so much trust with the ones who love them and the long road to gaining it back.

The beginning of the Bucket:

For most students, the loss of trust started long before they arrived in the field. Indeed, the process usually has been in the works for years. Often it starts with small lies or acts of disobedience or even the eventual spiraling of grades. When parents learn of these behaviors, they may try to impose consequences or take away privileges.

More to add to the Bucket:

The lies get bigger, the distrust grows and the consequences are more severe. Sometimes the breaking point for parents is when their child breaks the law, sometimes it’s the point in which they are so afraid for their child’s safety and sometimes they just do not want to experience what “hitting bottom” might look like. Each family has their own breaking point when the bucket spills over.

Starting over with teaspoons:

When our students begin their Second Nature journey, they have often used up most of the trust they had with their parents. There has been a long and broken road of lies, deceit, and broken promises. Both sides are hurting and it is time to rethink the relationship. What Second Nature can offer is a new opportunity to find trust with a different group of peers and adults. Our kids may not initially welcome the chance for a fresh start, but many realize the opportunity during their stay.

One teaspoon at a time:

Our students can begin to regain trust by starting out small, but it can mean a big difference in the end. Below are a few teaspoons they can add to the bucket.

• Being honest and thorough with their life story: This is perhaps one of the biggest pieces of advice groups give new students when they are writing and sharing their Life Stories. The more you reveal now, the sooner you can fill the bucket back up.
• Meeting basic expectations: We don’t expect the students to be perfect. Consistently checking off the basic expectations can demonstrate that the student is able to take care of themselves in the field.
• Using the program tools: As the students begin learning and then applying the check-in and feedback program tools we have insight into how willing and able the students are with talking about their feelings and their ability to give and receive feedback.
• Doing their work: This includes their reading assignments, completing their written assignments including the Letter of Accountability.

Trust cannot be regained quickly, but it is possible. It may take a long time after Second Nature for parents to have the same level of trust they had before. However, if parents and students continue to add their teaspoons, perhaps the buckets can be refilled with trust and honesty.